News Snippets from 1913

Daryk Armfield

During 1913, the Mercury published a serious of jokes. This is what local people were laughing at back then:

Teacher:  Williams, this essay of yours is so abominably bad that I shall send it home to your father and ask him to chastise you”.   Williams:  “Please sir, father wrote it”.

Mrs Malaprop sometimes hits the nail on the head.  It rained in torrents as she left church one Sunday morning lately without an umbrella.  “How irrigating this is”, she cried.

“I wonder” said the sweet young thing, “why a man is always so frightened when he proposes”.  “That”, said the chronic bachelor, “is his guardian angel trying to hold him back”.

She:  “What a good likeness”.  He:  “No, it isn’t.  I was not well, and I looked like an idiot that morning”.  She (intently studying the photograph):  “Well, it looks exactly like you anyway”.

Nervous party:  “The train seems to be travelling at a fearful pace, ma’am”.  Elderly female:  “Yus, ain’t it?  My Bill’s a drivin’ of the ingin, an’ ‘e can make ‘er go when e’s got a drop o’ drink in ‘im”.

“A Devonshire couple”, said Mrs Simkins, “got married a few days ago after a courtship which had lasted fifty years”.   “I suppose”, replied Mr Simkins, “the poor old man had become too feeble to hold out any longer”.

A young man, whilst staying at seaside, went for a donkey ride and, for a joke, had his likeness taken on the donkey.  When he returned home he showed his best girl the likeness, asking her what she thought of it.  She said  “Pretty fair, but who’s that on your back?”

Tramp:  “Madam, I have come out of the wilderness to locate work”.   Lady:  “Humph!  Well, I can give you plenty.  Chop that wood, and ……… ”   Tramp:  “Beg pardon, ma’am.  I said I was merely trying to locate it.  Now that I know it still exists, I shall return to the wilderness”.

Rich uncle:  “You might as well stop moaning about Miss Wilson.  She hasn’t been in love with you, after all.  She’s been after the money she thought you would get from me”.  Nephew:  “Impossible.  Why do you think so?”   Rich uncle:  “I’ve proposed to her myself, and been accepted”.

Scene:  Soldiers’ barrack room at dinner time.  Orderly Officer (inspecting men’s dinner) asks:  “Any complaints, men?”  Voice from end of the table:  “Yes, sir”.  Orderly:  “Well, what is it?”  Voice:  “Spuds is bad, sir”.  Turning to sergeant, the officer said:  “Spuds is bad.  What does he mean by ‘spuds’, sergeant?”  Sergeant (glaring at culprit):  “The man is higgerunt, sir.  He means ‘taters’!”

Customer (entering poultry shop): “I should like to see a nice fat goose.” The small boy said “Yes sir, mother will be in directly.”

The lady asked “What right have you to enter my room in the middle of the night?” and the burglar replied “Now don’t scold me, ma’am. I’m not your husband.”

The 1st suffragette said “If we want to get the young girls interested in our meetings we must have something to attract them”, and the 2nd suffragette replied “Which would it better be – refreshments or men?”

This page was added on 26/10/2016.

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